I am gay. A harsh truth is spelled in three words, six letters. Simple words, I fail to comprehend. It is a burden I carry with me daily. I cannot or rather do not want to come to terms with this reality. Why? The biggest question I also do not have answers to.

 I could argue and say a big part of me is still conservative and wants to be socially fit. I crave a simple life; one where I do not have to defend my presence and appearance in a room, place, or any social structure. I want a setting that allows me to live rather than exist. I long for an ambiance that will accommodate me for who I am.

The journey to self-acceptance is not as easy as I thought it would be. I always convinced myself that the more I say it the more I shall own it. The fact that my ‘masculine energy’ is salient made it easier for people to suspect or be aware of my predicament before I even say it. As fate would have it they ended up staying away and making formal engagements. It was as if I had a dreadful disease. This act alone made me hate the being that I was. I resulted to hiding in a version of myself, a phantom.

No one will ever tell you how the mental battles are straining, the masked personality is draining and the hate is exhausting. They can never imagine. I had to ask myself the hard questions is it really who I am or is it, someone, my head is telling me to become? Is it not a phase or a life’s branch of curiosity, testing, and tasting? Does it ever end? Will I ever be normal again?  These questions led me into a wormhole of uncertainty and self-resentment.  I am now a product of my own doing. I do not think I have any horsepower left in me to undo and reverse the situation I am in. Before the eyes of many, I am nothing close to the person I say I am. I wish to see what they see too, someday. Until then I guess I will just swim in the oceans of unworthiness and take a rest, deep in the compartments of my own ‘closet’.

Story by WW

Diary Of An Internal Homophobe

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